Running Away

Have any of you ever thought of just running away... from your life? I think it is something many of us feel from time to time, wanting to be free of all the problems and worries in our lives. Sometimes even wanting to flee from the people in our lives.

I have felt that of late, wanting a new beginning. Being able to start life over with all the lessons I have already learned would be the ticket. Avoiding all the serious blunders in our past, choosing the road not taken. You have to wonder though if anything we do can really change our fate. Are our lives not already pre-ordained for us?

I am a strong believer in fate. Both the good and the bad. Sometimes I think that our lives are already pre-set. The day of our death can not be changed or avoided, it will come when it is the right time. The choices we've made in life were all in the plan that fate (or God) had set for us. It certainly makes you feel powerless sometimes.

Then there are those who believe that we make our own destiny. The two schools of thought are not mutually exclusive. You may have been pre-ordained to be a person who takes life by the short hairs and runs with it. You may think you're in control, but it's your life's plan being played out, as scripted.

If you have a strong religious faith you may call it God's Plan. Others may call it fate. Calling it God's Plan does make it seem more palatable. To feel there is a guiding hand, someone or something that has your best interests at heart and will lead you to a happy ending. Fate does not necessarily have that happy ending component. I find great comfort in the God's Plan theory. Even though I am mostly an agnostic.

No matter how you slice it though, it seems pretty amazing, and frightening all at the same time. Every day a journey, whose script was written long ago.

But getting back to the running away theme (above), there is a song in Into the Woods called No More, where a father and son are discussing running away from their lives. The father sings to his son, "the trouble is son, the farther you run, the more you feel undefined". He concludes by singing, "where are we to go, where are we ever to go". The moral of this tale, and our own, is that you can't really run away from life, we are who we are and nothing can change that.

The First of May

There is something about the first of May that has always spoken of promise to me. Even though Spring started back in late March, usually by May first you can see all the buds on the trees, all the early blooming flowers and bushes shining in brilliant color.

I often think back to the old Bee Gees song, The First of May too. It has a sweet sadness to it that reminds me of the promise of Spring. It speaks of the change of seasons, remembering a love that is gone, but will never die.

It's on the first of May that I most remember all the friends I have had in my lifetime. Not all are gone from this earth, just gone from my life. Friends from college and even high school who meant so much to me, but somehow we lost touch. I think this happens to a lot of people, it is just a natural part of the life cycle.

I do have a few friends that I have kept since college. They may now live in other states, but we still keep in touch. Still visit whenever we can. There is something about the shared history that we have with each of these friends that can really brighten a day. I think that is one of the many reasons why the AIDS crisis hit gays so hard. All those memories, shared experiences, they seem to disappear when you have no one to recall them with. That is why I try and hold on to my old friends, no matter what obstacles I may encounter.

Technology certainly helps with this. I can IM friends in Europe or Colorado and chat like we are in the same room. Share a laugh at an old friend's expense (usually mine), or just catch up on the news of the day.

It really seems to re-charge my batteries, and brings a little joy into a usually dull and tedious day.

So kids, here's your advice from Uncle Scotty. Hang on to your friends that are worth keeping for as long as you can. And don't be afraid to make new ones, no matter how old you get. I know making new friends seems to get harder the older you get. But, there are a lot of great people out there that you have yet to meet.

When Will It End?

As our nation grieves over the loss of 33 innocent lives in Virginia, I weep at the horror and senselessness of it all. How can anyone, unless they are deranged, commit such an act of violence on innocent children who were just starting their adult lives?

I am sure, soon, this will become grist for the mill of politics, but now, at this moment, on this first night, let us set all that aside and try to find an answer to this plague of shootings, in offices, and classrooms, dormitories and shopping malls. How did we get to a place in our history where these things only shock us when the body count is high?

Can we blame it on the gun culture, that has been around since the founding of this republic? I don't really think so. Besides, everyone of these men/boys who commit these crimes finds a way around the law, just as most criminals do.

What is it that stirs within a man that can make him think that his and other lives are of so little consequence? Just targets on a video game, who bleed real blood. What problem do they think they are solving with these heinous crimes?

And what of the victims, most of all, who had the misfortune of being in the wrong place at the wrong time? All that promise, all that vitality of youth, crushed in a single moment. First, we must weep for them. Weep to the core of our beings, at what the youth of today must face in places once thought safe in generations past. Then we must rise up, and do all that we know how to make sure that this never happens again.

The Crusades

Last night I watched the first part of the PBS series, America at a Crossroads. The series deals with how and why the Middle East has become such a large part of our lives. The first episode dealt with Osama and the birth of his extremist movement. The most alarming part was how we played into Osama's hands with our invasion of Iraq.

After our attack on the Taliban in Afghanistan, Osama and his gang were at their lowest point ever. We had world opinion on our side because of 9/11, and because of the world's disgust with what the Taliban had done to Afghanistan. Then, out of the blue, we invade Iraq.

Now the world had turned on us, Iraq is full of death and destruction, for our forces, and for the Iraqis. The Bush administration thinks that the only way out is through military intervention. They have no plan B. Anyone with half a brain can see that there has to be a political component to this, if we are ever to get our forces out of there, and if Iraq will ever become a stable democracy.

Nancy Pelosi has at least tried talking to the Syrians. Some Republicans from Congress went to Syria the week before, but they did not seem to get any media attention. I think both parties, outside of the White House, see that there must be another way out. Sending more and more of our children there to die is not the answer.

The most frightening thing about the show was the depth and breadth of the hatred the Islamists feel for Americans, and all of Western Culture. They still call us the Crusaders, and plan our downfall by bankrupting our economies through constant war in Muslim countries. So far their plan is working. We can only hope that when someone smarter gets in the White House, that we will find a way out without turning the Middle East into a powder keg.

The real answer is, of course, to find alternate sources of energy and to leave the Middle East to its own devices. Right now, everything that happens there affects the price of fuel, and soon natural gas. We need to stop our reliance on this area, and Bush is right about that. The government needs to make a more concerted effort to find sources of renewable energy.

So, the Crusades may not really be over, even though a thousand years have passed. Let us hope it does not take another thousand years to solve this dilemma.

To Live Until We Say Good-bye

I have lost yet another loved one to cancer. Someone so kind and gentle, I just can't figure out why God would have put her through such pain and suffering. The Lord works in mysterious ways indeed.

At times like this many people turn to religion for guidance, consolation and hope. Just as many seem to turn away from religion, asking the question, what kind of God would let this happen? I am often torn between these two opposing views.

First and foremost I need to turn to something or someone for solace. There is a certain comfort in the traditions of the church, the solidity projected by most faiths. Having the good Reverend spout the usual platitudes can sometimes reach through the numbness and pain you feel over the loss of someone so dear.

But there is also an element of anger at work here. How and why would any God let this happen? What possible purpose could it serve? Is there even a God up there watching over us with some kind of plan for each and every one of our lives???

Which brings us to the biggest debate of all, that between faith and reason.

Having been brought up in parochial schools, saturated with Lutheran dogma since the age of 3, I have a very hard time separating out what I may feel in my heart and soul, and what the reasoning part of my brain is trying to tell me. Many people, as they age, find that doubt enters into the picture and lingers for many years. I keep praying that all my doubts will end, that the certainty that I felt in my youth will return and I will see death as just part of the greater good. That the soul of my loved one is in a better place, and this temporary stop we call life on earth, is over.

You wonder sometimes who is better off. Those shallow people who just simply believe and do not even bring reason into the picture, or those of us torn apart by a questioning mind. They seem to be much happier than we are, but are they better off? Sometimes I even wish that I did not always have to think quite so much. What and where exactly has it gotten me?

As I say goodbye to my loved one tomorrow I will try to think only that she is in a better place, with the angels, with her loved ones who have also passed, and that they are sitting on a cloud somewhere looking down at all the suffering here on earth and rejoicing in their good fortune, to have finally made it to the promised land. Sometimes when the pain becomes more than we can bear, that may be the only solace we have.

Living Through the Blues

Sorry I have not posted lately. I have been down even further than usual. Can't explain it, life is as good/bad as it ever was. Went to the doc yesterday, and got some new meds. I can only hope that they will help me out of this hole I am in. I just don't seem to want to face the world.

Switching from my small world to the world of American politics, it has been quite an interesting month. Can the Bush folks do anything that isn't inept or purely politically motivated? And it seems that the Democratic controlled Congress has brought out the mea culpa side of the White House. Who would have thought that you would ever hear the WH saying that mistakes were made, in any way, shape or form. Now it just keeps happening.

Good news about the Federal Attorney scandal. Congress may be able to subpoena Karl Rove, to see how he was involved. How is it that one of his pals just happened to replace one of the fired attorneys? And there are even emails where the whole issue is discussed fairly openly. How ever did that happen? Can this be a new, more open White House, or one that is falling apart?

Switching to General PP, saying that gays are immoral. I do not want or expect that he should retract his statement. They are his own personal feelings, and he is entitled to them. I was glad to hear that he realized that he probably should not have expressed his opinions so publicly. Sure has opened up an interesting national conversation, with even some Republicans criticizing his opinion, and stating they disagree with him. Although Hillary was less than forthright at first when asked her opinion. She later came round in writing and said that she totally disagreed with Gen Pace. And the world just keeps getting more open to the gay discussion.

I hope all of you are doing better than I am. I long for the day when I want to be out among you all enjoying life to the fullest. Until then, keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Thanks guys.

Post Holiday Blues

Well, here we are in the middle of the MLK holiday weekend, and I am feeling blue. Maybe it's global warming, maybe it's the war in Iraq, maybe it's that boob in the White House? I don't know, it could be so many things.

I did spend a nice day at the Detroit Institute of Arts yesterday. Today I was supposed to meet some friends for brunch, but a minor ice storm is keeping me at home. Yesterday I also lost my cell phone in a crowded Greektown restaurant. What a mess that was, the Auto Show was in town on top of having a Red Wings game in progress, it was a zoo.

As a matter of fact I was supposed to head back down to Greektown today to pick up my lost phone, but, see above. More ice and sleet are predicted for tomorrow. I hope I can make it down there soon. Maybe my other half will drive me, he doesn't seem to mind ice and snow.

I think I just may have a touch of the winter blues. Feeling trapped by weather does not help. This is the first real winter weather we have had in a while, thanks to global warming and maybe El Nino. The Dems want to start doing something about it, but the Bush team still has its doubts about the whole greenhouse gases may add to global warming thing. I think they did finally admit that global warming existed. Just a decade or two too late.

Mr. Bush made his big announcement on the war this week. He has so few options now, and of course he chose the deadliest one. And the one that is least likely to succeed. I know that he is starting to worry about his legacy now, hoping against hope that history will see him as some kind of hero who fought against the prevailing tides of his time. On the other hand, he could be thought of as one of the most incompetent Presidents since the 19th century.

Bush's eulogy of Gerald Ford seemed to speak more of himself than of Ford. Someone who made the tough decisions in order to heal a nation. When I think of all the money, resources and lives that we have wasted in Iraq, and of all the good they could be doing here, I just want to spit. And now he has decided that the National Guard will have open-ended active duty. Those poor people signed up to be weekend warriors, and now they may be in never-ending combat missions. It is all so unfair, not to mention ironic considering Mr. Bush's own NG duty (or lack thereof).

Well folks, I am going to try and head out on the road before the next ice storm hits the area. Wish me luck.

Holiday Cheer

Well, I'm writing to you from my new laptop (thanks Santa), not that I had an old laptop. This is my first one actually. I never thought I could use one, but now I don't leave home without it. I have even ordered a battery charger for the car. You never know when you might have a web casting or blogging emergency, and I wouldn't want to be caught short handed.

I hope all of you are enjoying the holidays. Mine have been hit and miss. Tonight I am going to a party at some lesbian friends' house. They just remodeled and doubled the size of their home. You know those lesbians love to remodel. But these are Lowe's lesbians, not the garden-variety Home Depot ones. Just a cut above.

I am off work until next Wednesday, January 3rd. 11 whole days in a row. It is about the most time I take off all at once each year. Now that I will be retiring in just over 2 years, I will be taking a little more time off. There is a cap on the amount of leave I can accrue, so I don't want to waste it. Maybe another trip to Saugatuck or Chicago this summer? Always fun.

So, how about this political landscape of ours? Bush is conferring on a new strategy in Iraq. The Dems may be taking over both houses (get well soon Senator Johnson). I just hope the Dems don't go for the jugular right away. They have to prove that they are about the business of governance, not revenge. That is what the Repub's were all about, vengeance. Hopefully we can put the needs of the country first, for a change.

I have been wondering a lot lately why I am still here. Had news of another loved one/family member being stricken with terminal cancer. So far I have lost two former sisters-in -law and a few close friends to the clutches of cancer. Every day I pray that each new pain I have is not some subtle symptom of cancer. I have enough fear and trepidation to deal with on a daily basis already.

So why, we may ask, does God allow all this to keep happening? Why does disease strike those we love the most, those who are sweet and kind to everyone on a daily basis? We can go with the "the Lord works in mysterious ways" explanation. That works pretty well. Or how about the, "death is very much a part of life" route. Either one is cold comfort to someone who is in pain. To see the kind of suffering this disease can bring is to know how truly powerless we all are in the vast scheme of things. This body we occupy is a very complex machine that can be laid low in so many ways.

So, what of the power of prayer? It has not worked for me in the past, yet I still continue to use it. I can't think of many other weapon right now. Love, hope and prayer, these are the three biggies that will help us all through this. All having equal power.

I would like to wish you all a better year in 2007. I know we always think it can't be worse, but we all know it often is. So in spite of my dire predictions, let's try and live each moment as if it were our last. Try to savor the family and friends we still have with us. They are the true gifts of this holiday season.

We Are All God's Children

I watched a Frontline special the other night on PBS. It was about Jim West, the former mayor of Spokane, Washington. I remember hearing about his dilemma at the time, on TV and the internet. I remember wondering why he just did not quit, like so many other disgraced Republicans had.

After hearing the whole story, I see why he fought so hard to keep his job. I ended up feeling sorry for this man who never really had a chance at a true and happy life.

Here was a man born into a conservative part of his state, who became a Boy Scout leader, then a sheriff's deputy, then a state legislator, then mayor of Spokane. All the while just doing what was expected of him. Going along in the state house when his fellow Republicans proposed anti-gay bills, but never leading the charge.

Shortly after becoming mayor, he discovered that he had colon cancer. This triggered a deep self-examination, as such traumatic events often do. Realizing that he had suppressed his sexuality for his entire life, he began logging into gay chat rooms, with the hope that he may actually meet someone.

Somehow, one of the guys he regularly chatted with realized that he was the mayor of Spokane. Being a good liberal he immediately went to the local paper with the story. They, in turn, set up a sting operation, posing as a seventeen year old boy. They tried baiting him into meeting up with their decoy, but he didn't take the bait. It was not until he was certain that the boy had turned 18, that he agreed to a meeting.

While all this is going on, he does offer a few of the guys he met online unpaid internships at city hall. I think he is so socially underdeveloped, that he is like a high-school boy trying to get people to like him. Even though he is in his fifties, he has never really had any experience with gay relationships. Coming out that late in life, he was like a long-distance runner shackled by years of suppressed emotions.

By the end of the show, he is recalled as mayor, then exonerated by the FBI of any wrongdoing in public office, and then he dies of colon cancer in July of 2006.

People called him a hypocrite, a child molester, a disgrace to his office. He does not come off as an especially likeable or attractive man, but nonetheless all too human. Another man destroyed by society's expectations. If only he had been allowed to live a free and open life as gay man, he may have found the joy that loving another human being can bring.

To think he only had one or two gay sexual encounters during his entire life. Those in the back seat of a car in a dark alley. Here lies a man who never got a chance to really live his life, something so many of us take for granted. God rest his soul.

The Comfort of Faith

I remember well the comfort that faith brought me in my youth. The certainty that the world was a black and white place gave me solace through many years of struggle. It wasn't until I started college that I began to doubt anything that I was taught by the Lutheran church.

The remarkable thing was that it was my college girlfriend who made me start thinking about just how much religious dogma flew in the face of logic and reason. See, the dangers of the heterosexual lifestyle? Yes, I had a girlfriend in college, I think most gay guys did, in the early 70's.

Sometimes when I see all that is going on in the world, I think back to those days when I found so much comfort in my religion. God had an answer for everything, no matter how illogical, all you had to do was believe. That was not too much to ask, for all the happiness it brought me.

Now I see people dying in horrible, senseless ways, and I suffer with them. I ask God, and myself, why did this happen. Where is the joy of Christ's love and understanding when two men go into a party store and beat a 73 year old man to death for chump change. My heart just aches with the horror of it all. I want to live in the well-ordered world that was promised me in my youth. Through 12 years of parochial school education I knew what the world was all about. How good would always triumph over evil, how the light of God would always shine through.

Now I am in my fifties struggling to understand the meaning of life and the reasons why we all must die some day. Things could be worse, I could be Ted Haggard and know the world is a very gray place, but have to live my life as though it wasn't. Who knew that when he became an evangelical minister he had to take the hypocritical oath, telling his flock to do as I say, not as I do (shades of Jimmy Swaggert).

Getting back to my point, about faith. God gave us free will, which brought along a whole list of benefits and things that are not so beneficial. If God had just left us as we were in the Garden of Eden, we would be doing okay. Everything would just be peachy keen. I am sure God had a very good reason for giving us this free will thing. I just haven't figured out yet what it is. If you have any ideas, please let me know.

A Sea Change

Well, it looks as though America has finally woken up. Even I was surprised, on Thursday, when the Dems actually took control of the Senate too. Here in Michigan the Dems took control of the House and barely lost the Senate. No one saw that coming either.

What does it all mean? That's what I would like to know. It seems like in the Senate races all the Dems had to lean right to get elected. What will that mean in a senate whose margins are so tight? Any kind of help for gays is surely not on the table, or for abortion rights. We will probably see a minimum wage bill passed, though.

How about that vote in Arizona??? I guess we are getting to the stage in our development as a country that not every state will vote against gay marriage, in huge margins. Outside the south it seems that the margin of victory for the right-wing is getting smaller. The south will always be a unique country unto itself. If the mountain states turn blue, then maybe the Dems have a chance for a permanent majority in Congress.

In the city of Ferndale, Michigan, voters passed a law giving gays equal rights in housing, employment, etc. And by a very wide margin. This after the city had voted down the same law twice before, also by wide margins, in 1997 and 2000. Maybe people really can change.

All the pundits are saying that the gay marriage issue is starting to soften with the electorate, so that maybe in 10 years or so we can vote out all these constitutional amendments that were voted in in so many states. A recent national poll showed that nearly 70% of Americans knew someone who was openly gay. I am sure that that has made us less of a frightening specter to the great unwashed. Unless, of course, the gay they know is Carson from Queer Eye.

Now my prayers are going out to Rev. Haggard in Colorado. He must become an ex-gay with the whole world, and his flock, watching. It still saddens me to think that in this day and age a man must live a lie to be accepted and esteemed in the evangelical world.

I have been smiling for several days now, just thinking how the impossible actually happened. The Dems won control of Congress. Oo-wee...

The October Surprise

I guess Karl Rove did not see this one coming. The House leadership shown for what it really is, a bunch of politicians with no moral compass. And they got into trouble by covering up for a gay guy, how ironic.

This Mark Foley thing has me perplexed. I know what he did was wrong (the emails), but I think mostly because he abused his position of power. In most states in the US the age of consent is 16 (or less). Flirting online seems unethical and very distasteful, in this instance. But you have to wonder - if Mr. Foley were allowed to live openly as a gay man, would he have been in a better place, mentally, and therefore not likely to reach out to these inappropriate contacts?

I know it is hard to see him as the victim in all this, and he is not, but he was forced to live a life filled with lies and deception, and at age 52. Now he is saying he was molested by a priest when he was twelve, which sounds rather off the subject. He wasn't molesting children, he was making inappropriate advances to male pages. He is such a mess mostly because he chose to live a lie, and for purely political reasons.

I think honesty and truth can be very healing, if sometimes painful to deal with. Maybe now that his dirty laundry is out there for the whole country to see and hear about (over and over again on cable news), perhaps he will take stock of his life up to this point and head in a different direction. One that leads him into a healthy relationship with another man, maybe even one around his own age.

It will be interesting to see how the Republicans try and spin this one. Looking out for number one, not caring about the children, a very big oopsy on their part. I am sure they will end up blaming it on the gay movement, they must have made Tom Foley do this, somehow. I am sure Rush Limbaugh and the other deadheads are working on this as we speak.

The good thing is that, so far, no actual physical contact took place between Rep Foley and these boys. Now if we can only say that the Republican party was brought down by a gay man, that would be just too much to ask for. Maybe that will be our November surprise?

Family

I don't know if everyone has TV shows that seem a part of their lives, but I do. In the seventies there were two shows that I could not live without, Family and Maude. To this day they both still push my buttons and make me feel at home, all at the same time.

Family was finally released on DVD this month (see above link), something I have been waiting for for many years. Maude may be out later in the year, but they have promised that before. I won't hold my breath.

When I ordered the DVD, after not having watched the series since it originally aired from 1976-80, I wondered if it would stand the test of time. Often times shows that I loved back then seem insipid and empty now. Not so with my beloved "Family". It moved and entertained me as much now as it did then. I had not seen any of the first mini-season before (six episodes), so I was delighted to see that even the early shows were well written.

That sense of home that I felt then still comes through today. These are people you want to know, folks you want to spend time with. Not just because my own family was rather dull, but because the world they all lived in is so full of love. There is never any doubt, even during the biggest argument, that they will all be there for each other, no matter what.

Maybe it was this certainty that drew me to the show? But that can't be all. So many TV shows had that. I guess none of them gave such a realistic portrayal of a family. They dealt with so many issues that were never brought up on television back then. The pilot episode alone dealt with marital infidelity, not just in Nancy's young marriage, but in the marriage of the couple who are at the center of the series, Kate and Doug.

When they dealt with the homosexuality of Will's best friend since childhood, in the first season, that was quite a shocker. Gays were rarely mentioned on TV back then, unless it was in a negative light. I remember how good I felt when I saw that Buddy and Kate accepted Will's friend Zeke, no questions asked. I was doubly pleased when Willie finally came around at the end of the episode.

It won many awards back then. It was a rare find in the middle of the pablum and drivel that was 1970's television. In between Charlie's Angels and Three's Company, this was an island of sanity and good television.

I am on disk five of six right now, and I can't pull myself away. If you have a chance to buy or rent it, I would highly recommend it. You will not be disappointed.

The Mid-term Elections

Do you think that it is only a coincidence that gas prices have dropped almost a dollar a gallon in the past few weeks? As soon as the primary election season ended, it all seemed to start happening.

It kind of makes you wonder just how much influence the energy companies have over the market. Natural gas prices are also down. We saw how the Enron folks manipulated things to get energy costs up out west, who's to say the big oil companies are not doing this for their old pals, Bush and Cheney.

Guess what else? Bush's approval rating started going up right after gas prices dropped. Hmmm??? Could energy prices be affecting how we feel about our well-being, and that when prices are back to normal we may feel better about the future? Which in turn makes us less angry at the boob-in-chief?

Maybe I am just being paranoid, but none of the market forces have changed that much in the last month. We still have unrest in the middle-east, corruption in Nigeria and a government in Venezuela that hates us. Still have half a downed pipeline in Alaska and limited refining capacity (none of the new refineries being built will be ready for a while).

Oh, and I forgot to mention that the Saudi royal family and the Bushes are old pals too. There is just way too much coincidence here.

I hope the American people aren't going to be duped into putting the Republicans back in office. This country definitely needs a change in governance, and only one party can lead us out of this mess. The same one that got us through two world wars and the great depression, and brought us the booming 90's. Go Dems!

Life Less Ordinary

Hearing the news today about the Crocodile Hunter being killed by a sting-ray just shocked the heck out of me. He was just swimming over it, it was buried in the sand, and whoosh - it stings him through the heart. Life is so fragile.

News like this makes me appreciate, even more, every moment I have. Nothing but a split second separates most of us from the other side (if there is one). Still, for some reason, I am not able to rejoice in every moment lived.

If I could only be sure, one way or the other, if there is something or nothing after we die, I could live my life the correct way. If there is nothing, I would find peace in knowing that all my sins do not need to be forgiven. That the spark of life that I held was just sent out into the universe. If there is heaven and hell, I would end up begging for forgiveness, every day.

If you look back at the history of the major religions we have on the planet today, it is hard to fathom that they could all be right and divinely inspired. And by divine, do we mean a creature from another part of the universe, an ET as it were? Sometimes my logical mind just takes over and I cannot get past all my doubts.

What if I lived and died in Greece in 200 BC? Would I be frying in hell because I had not heard the gospel of Jesus Christ (who wasn't even here yet)? That does not seem fair, now does it?

I truly believe that if you live your life with regard for others and with kindness in your heart (and in your deeds), that you will be blessed (if there is a hereafter). Whether you consider it as reflecting God's love, or just being a good person, it should surely be rewarded.

The Weekly Reader

I have been reading several interesting books over the last few months. Will I ever finish all of them, I'm sure I will some day. Let's look at the list, shall we.

The Intimate World of Abraham Lincoln by C.A. Tripp, is a remarkable book. Here we have a well-respected scientist and author doing exhaustive research and finishing the book just weeks before he dies at 83. The other remarkable thing about the book is that it was almost well-received by Lincoln scholars. The basic premise is that Lincoln was at his heart a homosexual. He lived the life expected of men of his time, but he also had love interests and affairs. This might explain the depth of his depression, even beyond all the sorrow he suffered during his life. To think that what you were was beyond the pale, and not having anywhere in literature or history to turn to to see yourself reflected, except perhaps in ancient times.

Mere Christianity is a book comprised of radio broadcasts made by C.S. Lewis during World War II. I have not gotten very far into it, but I am looking forward to his reasoned arguments for Christianity, and to seeing someone who went from being an agnostic to being an ardent Christian.

A Heckuva Job by Calvin Trillin is the latest in a series of poetry books based on the politics of GW Bush, our prez. Trillin skewers Bush on so many levels that it is almost sad. I know the TV pundits use Bush for fodder on a regular basis, and I guess it has gotten to the point where the fact that Bush is a dolt is a given. We will see this fall whether Americans really believe this deep in their hearts.

The Spiral Staircase by Karen Armstrong chronicles the author's life from being a novitiate in a convent, to losing her religion, to finding it again. She is a remarkable woman and I never miss an opportunity to hear her speak on television. Lately her focus has been on explaining the world's three great religions, attempting to help us see how much we all have in common.

Finally there is Grief by Andrew Holleran. This is a novel about a man who has moved to DC after tending to his dying mother for many years. While he is there he is also reading the letters of Mary Todd Lincoln. She spent the last part of her life grieving, unable to find joy in anything. The protagonist in this novel is also having difficulty letting go of the grief he carries for his mother, and for all the friends he has lost to the great gay plague.

I have a mini-vacation coming up and I am hoping to finish all these books while I am off. I also have to finish book five of Harry Potter and the novel Wicked. I can't wait.

War Without End

It seems as though the middle-east has been in turmoil my entire life (actually it has). I often wonder if peace can ever be achieved there. I hope and pray that it can.

Just when we thought Iraq was a total mess, then we have to look to the rest of the region to see what a monumental mess the whole place is. And how much worse it can get.

How and when will it all end? This seems to be turning into a clash of cultures, much like the Crusades. But that was almost a thousand years ago, still we seem to fight on.

I used to think we could just send our troops in there, like the first Gulf War, but now I realize that won't do much good. Now I don't really know whose job it is to straighten that place out. Maybe let the Arab states figure it out, so that whole clash of cultures thing dies down.

We think we have all evolved, after all the wars we have seen throughout history. The war to end all wars, that was almost 100 years ago. Still mankind fights on. We fight over nationalism, religion, and other useless concepts. If people would only realize that we are all part of God's family, we are all together on this road of life, struggling to make it through. We need each other more than we know.

All we are saying...

Living With Sadness

I often wonder if we ever really get over the loss of a loved one. The pain can seem so intense, even years after someone we love has gone. Then we naturally begin to think about our own end, and the sadness deepens.

Maybe this comes with age, with the long view from the other side of the hill (the one I just went over). Life just seems more precious and sad when you realize this is just a short-term thing.

I don't know why the pain of loss endures. I keep wanting to sing "Don't leave me this way...", but no one is listening. I don't feel the presence of those who are gone, as some do. I want to believe they are still with us, but I think it has more to do with the impression they have left upon us. There is a line from a song in Wicked, where one friend who is leaving sings to another, "you'll be with me like a handprint on my heart..." (see link above). That seems to say it all for me.

What to do with the remaining years as we wait for our time to depart? Dwelling on the past does not seem to be working for me. After all, you can't change the past and you certainly can't go back there. I guess all we can do is hope for a brighter tomorrow, and a chance to enjoy some of the good things that life has to offer.


The laugh of a child discovering something for the first time. The smile on the face of someone in love. Even the sound of the wind rustling through the trees. Joy can be found in the beauty of all God's creations, if we just look for it. Joy can be found in the presence of all those we love as well. Even the ones who are no longer with us.

I Want America Back

Today I was listening to President Bush speak in Vienna (see above link). Sounding like an idiot cowboy who was trying to explain things to all the other cowboys, he was a total embarrassment. Then I listened as the commentators on NPR went on about how much we are hated in Europe and around the world.

America is losing any moral high ground it ever had. We lost it in Vietnam, but gained a lot of it back during the Clinton years. Now we have prison camps in Cuba, people being held for years without access to a court or even a lawyer. Torture is our tool of choice, but even that we like to outsource. I know I will not be traveling to Europe until the Bush years are over. Talk about the ugly American.

When did we become a country that throws out the rule of law any time we are threatened. I know we had some of that during the Civil War, and the two world wars, but that was during an extreme emergency. While the threat of terrorism is very real, it pales in comparison to any of the three conflicts I just mentioned.

If the Republicans hold Congress this Fall, we will have to ask ourselves "who are we?" How can we accept what this party is doing to us and still call ourselves Americans? The Party of God seems to have no moral compass except the will to power.

Living in a Republican Town

I just got a new camera on Friday (a Kodak Z650), and was eager to go out and about taking some pictures. It has been raining heavily for the past few days, so I haven't been able to go anywhere. Today it was sprinkling a little, so I ventured out.

The first place I thought I would visit was my city's veterans' memorial. I drive by it many times, it is just two miles south of my house. I got out of my car and walked the brick-paved path to the obelisk that I thought would list the names of those people from Rochester Hills who have given their lives for their country. Instead I find an original poem written in 1997 when the memorial was built. No "In Flanders Fields" for these folks.

Then I walk next to a very large rock with a marble plaque attached to the top of it. Here I think I will find the names of those brave souls. No, on this beautiful plaque were listed the names of the people who paid for this wonderful memorial. Who was on the flagpole committee, what company donated the asphalt parking lot, etc. Things that generations to come will want to know about. "Gee mommy, did you know that the Acme Flagpole Company paid for those flagpoles way back in the late 20th century?"

So, I kept looking for the names of those lost. I finally looked down at my feet and noticed that some of the brick pavers had writing on them. I thought, how odd they would put their names here. After closer examination I saw that there were some veterans names there, but there were also family names, wives names, etc. If you paid for a paver, you could make it out to anyone you wanted to memorialize.

I walked further, and came upon a small memorial garden. Bending down to read the plaque, I was no longer surprised to see it spoke of those who bought and maintained the garden. How lovely of them.

This, to me, speaks volumes about the difference between a Republican dominated town and all others. It's all about the money, and who paid for what, and what money will buy.

I never did find the names of those who died in each of our many wars. No, this town's heroes are the ones who formed a committee to erect a memorial to veterans, and most especially, to themselves.