Guns and Suicide

I was surprised, recently, when I learned that just over half of all gun related deaths in this country are suicides.  That number has been pretty consistent for a while (rate of 50-60%).  I had no idea that the biggest threat this country faces from guns is suicide.  Murder, murder-suicide, mass killings etc., that is what we think of when we think of most gun violence in the US of A.

NBC is running a three day series on gun violence in America.  They have tracked (over the MLK holiday weekend) the number of reported gun related deaths in the US.  They have an interactive map where you can click on any colored symbol and they will tell you what happened and who died.  You can check it out at: http://openchannel.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/02/09/16912259-death-takes-no-holiday-tracking-gun-violence-over-one-long-january-weekend?lite

The stories run from the terribly sad (husband kills wife and self because she had a terminal illness).  To horrifying (estranged husband kills wife and self at his daughter's 17th birthday party).  You can imagine the number of robberies gone wrong, gang fights, and wrong-place wrong-time deaths.  All this is so common in our country that it doesn't really have to be explained.

The one story that stood out, for me, was the first story they mention in their series.  18 year old University of Idaho freshman shoots himself in his dorm room.  U of I is located in Moscow, ID, which is on Idaho's western border with Washington state.  The young man's nickname was "cowboy" and based on his obituary he seemed to have quite a lust for life.

I did some Google searches and kept coming across only one obituary for him.  It was written by his parents and printed in many different newspapers as well as on the web.  If you want to read the obit, you can go to: http://dnews.com/obituaries/article_02ce6c33-5f74-51ea-9adc-870f4f7463e9.html.

Everything his parents wrote spoke of their pride for their son and all he stood for.  He was an only child and raised in a religious household of very proud gun owners.  The day before he killed himself his dorm mate had reported to authorities that Jason (the deceased) had a gun in their dorm room.  In Idaho it is not illegal to carry guns, no permits necessary.  But at the U of I everyones' guns had to be locked up in a central safe controlled by the university.

Jason went to the local police station to retrieve his gun, and was told he couldn't have it back until after the holiday weekend on Tuesday, when the gun safe was available at the U of I (this was late Friday night).  When he got back to his dorm, his roommate had moved out.  Turns out that Jason had more than one gun of his own (no surprise).  Jason then used that handgun to shoot himself in the head, just before noon on Saturday.

I kept asking myself, why would a boy like this want to kill himself?  Reading his obit I saw that he loved "cowboy shooting" and won many awards in sports and in school.  He seemed like the good guy in the white hat, so full of life.

It wasn't until I read what his parents had written that I started to think that a big piece of the puzzle was missing.  They mentioned that Jason was very close to Jesus, and would fight for what was right even in the darkness of such places as "gun-free zones"?  They went on about his faith in God and his love of guns and shooting.

I can think of only two things that could bring a boy like Jason to suicide.  Either he was suffering from severe depression (although no one mentioned any behavior to indicate that) or he was hiding something.  Something that he could not live with, or that his parents or peers could not accept.

Most young gay men growing up in some parts of this country believe only the stereotypes they have heard about gay men.  When they are not out dressed up as girls, they are molesting a child, or seducing a drunken roommate/friend while they sleep.  Cowardice is also part of the stereotype.  For generations, straight men had always assumed that gay men should not be in the military because they weren't manly enough, and would certainly turn tail and run when attacked.  They had no real evidence for this, but it was convenient to blame acts of cowardice on someone so unlike themselves.

In this highly religious, gun loving family in western Idaho, I am sure that if Jason thought for one minute that he might be gay, he would fight with everything he had to prove otherwise.  Meaning, he can't be gay because he loves sports, is a Christian and loves guns.  Even in 2013 in places like Idaho it is near impossible to convince someone that gays come in all shapes and sizes and can be everything Jason was and also be gay.

Jason probably had no concept of this, so he would not even know where to reach out to get help for his self-loathing.  He lived right on the border with Washington, where gays are even allowed to get married.  Yet he couldn't see beyond what he had always known.  Gay could never be a good thing, and only shame and dishonor would come to him and his family if they ever found out.

All this is strictly conjecture, of course, but it is the only explanation I can think of right now.  His parents so vigorously defended his masculinity going so far as to say that Jason was not fond of flowers and to just send donations to his local Catholic high school sports program in his honor (in lieu of flowers).

I feel nothing but sorrow for both Jason and his parents.  I cannot imagine the kind of pain they are in, losing their only child.  I can only hope and pray for a time when stories like Jason's end in a much happier way.  Finding love and acceptance and living his life knowing that what he is was nothing to be ashamed of.  Perhaps he would have met someone, gotten married to him, and even had children.  Jason seemed like he would make a great dad, as he was already a fine young man.

Keeping Secrets

I have something to confess.  Well, not just one something, but two.  I don't know who else I can talk to about this, so you are it.

Over the last year or so I have become increasingly addicted to my Kindle.  First it was the classic 3G Kindle, then the Kindle Fire and now the Kindle Fire HD.  No matter where I go, no matter what I'm doing, my Kindle is never far.

I have an even worse confession to make.  I became addicted to my Kindle as a result of becoming addicted to gay romance novels (technically referred to as m/m fiction).  I don't know how it happened, or why I find these books so comforting, but I do.

The thing that surprised me at first about the genre was that it was growing so fast.  Then I discovered that the vast majority of these romance novels were written by women.  Usually married women with children at home.  Then I discovered that well over half of the readers of these novels are straight women.  That could account for the rapid growth, if a whole new market is being tapped to sell these books.

Most of the books are okay, some are just too formulaic and some just have way too much sex in them.  If you want to read a lot of sex novels, look under erotica, not romance.  But there are some really good authors out there.  Authors whose new books I would buy without question (Josh Lanyon, Andrew Grey, etc).  Then there is the hit and miss stuff.

If you want to start reading some of these books,  you should start with a group on Goodreads.  They have an m/m romance group with over 9000 members so far.  There are a lot of great reviews in there, and the folks there are very happy to answer any questions you might have.

Just be warned, these are not the bodice ripping, heaving bosom, he touched my soul kinda books.  Some of these female authors really know how to write a sex scene.  A very, detailed, sex scene.  Most of the books have heat ratings in their reivews, so start by looking for one with a low heat rating, and then you can work your way up to the more explicit, if you are still interested.

I find myself skipping some of the sex scenes if they get too repetitive.  It is nice to have sex portrayed in these books, but the plots are usually far more interesting.  Sometimes a book will have only romance and no sex except maybe a kiss or two.

There are also a lot of sub-genres.  Vampires, werewolves, shape shifters, three way relationships, BDSM, etc,  So be careful what you look for, it might end up being a story about a werewolf who has to find his life mate, and it ain't no female. 

If you think you might be interested, start at Goodreads (link below), then go over to Amazon if you want to purchase your books.  They usually have the best prices and the best selection.

Good luck, and be careful out there.
http://www.goodreads.com/

Gay Marriage Equality

As a man who came of age in the 1970's and witnessed all the changes then, I still marvel at all we have accomplished so far in the century.  I know we have a long way to go, but when I was just coming out, the idea of gay marriage was no where to be found, not even in my imagination.

That is one great benefit that the next generation will have.  The ideas in their dreams will not start out stifled.  They know that they can have the white picket fence, the 2.5 kids and the dog (if they want it) and someone to love them the rest of their lives.  I hope that this helps them to grow up in a more positive light, not thinking themselves inferior beings not deserving of marriage (much like slaves and inter-racial couples were).

In 1940 there were 31 states in the US that had laws on the books making inter-racial marriage illegal.  Today there are 31 states that have constitutional bans against gay marriage equality.  It wasn't until 1967 that those inter-racial marriage laws were changed, and then only by the Supreme Court.  70% of those polled (in the US) at the time thought that inter-racial marriage was wrong.  We seem to be changing minds a little faster then that, but we still have the rest of the world to work on.

Don't even get me started on Russia.  First they want to ban gays even talking about homosexuality to anyone under 18.  Now the Russian Army thinks they have a way of finding out if their soldiers or recruits are gay.  The gays will be the ones with the tattoos on their penises.  The Iron Curtain may have fallen, but I think it may have fallen on some of the Russian leaders' heads.

Let us pray for our gay brothers and sisters throughout the world as they struggle for even the most basic human rights.  And let us also pray that our country will keep moving forward until a time when the promise of equality found in the Constitution will apply to all of us.

The New Incivility Towards Women

A few weeks ago everyone from Rush Limbaugh to Bill O'Reilly to many lesser known right-wing radio talk show hosts,  decided that they all needed to be going after a poor, unfortunate, Georgetown law student who had the temerity to state before a fake Congressional board, that while birth control pills do prevent most pregnancies, they can also be used as a cure for certain medical conditions.  Then Rush took the conversation to an even lower level by suggesting that all these women who want the government to pay for birth control (so they can have more and more sex) should tape their sexual encounters and send 'em on over ole Rush (AKA - America's sweetest windbag).  Damned hussies!  All this from an adulterer and former drug addict.  Where else would you go for moral judgments???

First the Grand Poobah of Bloviattors, Rush Limbaugh) spoke about her wantonness, her sexual desires, for why else would anyone need they BC pills???  He said young women today were spending more and more money so that they could have more and more sex without fear of pregnancy.  I found it ironic that a lesbian commentator, Rachel Maddow, had to explain to Rush that you don't have to take one of these BC pillss every time you have sex.  You only take them once a day, then you can have all the sex you want (all day).  Ca-raaazee sex fiends...

Now Rick Santoram says that we don't really need BC pills because they will only lead to more sex, for the purposes of pleasure only.  Every one knows, only married people, trying to have a baby, should be having sex.  The rest of us just have to wait until our time comes (unless your gay, a senior citizen, or maybe even infertile) before we too may know the joys of sexual union.

How is it that the party of less government is the most concerned about what goes on between a woman and her doctor or pharmacist?  In VA this week they passed a law that requires any woman requesting an abortion to have an ultra-sound of the fetus done (at her expense).  She will even be forced to view the results of the scan so she can make better choices about her reproductive health..  Sounds rather like A Clockwork Orange or 1984, not modern-day (I use that term loosely) Virginia.

I hope that female voters remember all that has been going on here in the Spring of this election year come November.  Remember the Republican party sees you as not capable of making your own health care decisions, without the help of your government.

Male Andropause

My doctor told me a few weeks ago, after my annual physical, that I had low testosterone levels.  So.  He put me on hormone replacement therapy.  I had three choices:  an Intra-muscular injection done bi-weekly. a 24 hour patch that I would change every day, or testosterone cream that I would apply to my shoulder and arms.  The only problem with the last option is that woman and children could not touch me when I had the cream on.  It may cause birth-defects and unusual genitalia in children.  After all this info,
I decided on the patch since it seems to be the less risky, less painful option.

Well I am almost a month into the therapy and I think I DO notice a change or two.  I do have more energy and I not quite as depressed as I was.  The only negative side-effect that I have encountered so far is the increase in Sleep Apnea.  I know I should be wearing my CPAP Machine in order to get the best night's sleep possible.  Thing is, if you don't wear it, and wear the patch, you are setting your self up for a whole lot of problems later in life?  Apnea can cause depression and even death.

So, my next step is to get my CPAP machine running.  We have found most of the new parts, many of the old pipes and tanks have gone moldy and most be replaced.  So, wish me luck to see that if next week I wear my patch and my CPAP machine mask, that my life will greatly improve (or I will at least be able create a coherent sentence).

The State of Gay Cinema

Have you tried to rent a good gay movie lately?  Maybe even a romance with a happy ending?  I know I have.  Many times I thought I had found what I was looking for, only to see violence or heartbreak at the end.

What is it about gay independent films that so many of them are so dark?  Hasn't gay life gotten any better in the last twenty years?  Shouldn't someone be reflecting that on film?  There are a few good directors out there who always end their romances with a positive message.  I end up watching their movies over and over sometimes.  My life is dark enough, I don't really need to see it on the screen.

I tried watching Clapham Junction last night.  It is an English made for TV movie, not to be confused with what the networks put on here in America.  There is nudity (hooray) and graphic violence (boooo).  I had seen the list of stars of this film, many from the Merchant/Ivory oeuvre.  Even some from the BBC.  When I read the film was made to celebrate the 40th anniversary of the decriminalization of homosexuality in Britain, I guess I thought I might see something uplifting.

If this film is a reflection of gay life in London, I won't be going there any time soon.  The most touching scene is between a pedophile and his 14 year old seducer.  The gay bashings shown in the film were actually based on true events.  So much for the enlightened British.  While the production values and acting were superb, the film left me haunted, thinking that anyone could  be capable of such violence.  Especially, as it turns out, a self-loathing gay man.

I think I will stick with the simpler and more romantic films.  Films like Arizona Sky or Regarding Billy.  The acting and production values may not be as strong, but the stories behind them are far more uplifting.  Maybe this is why I don't like reality television.  Maybe it is true... reality bites.

The Gay Dichotomy

For many years now there has been a largely unspoken division among gay men. Many gay men are not comfortable around especially effeminate men, and don't often understand how the transgendered fit into our movement. I have struggled with these issues myself for a long time and I can't say I have come up with any concrete solutions.

Every time I see a Carson Kressley or a Perez Hilton on television, I just want to cringe. They seem to personify the worst gay stereotype there is. Bitchy, queeny, mean and after anything in pants, especially a straight man. Every time I see an ad for any of Rupaul's drag shows, I also cringe. I don't understand why these type of men are so dominant in the mainstream and even the gay media. It's as if all gay men want to be women, or as close as they can get.

I'm not saying anyone at anytime should be harassed or marginalized for being different. I just don't understand why the bitchiness always has to be there. I think that is the thing that turns many gay and straight men off the most. I have many friends who are gentle or effeminate, but very kind at heart. They are often the kind of people you want to surround yourself with. Good and kindhearted people. I don't understand why anyone would ever be bothered or feel threatened by them.

Underlying this whole discussion is the idea that to be gay one is naturally effeminate. And that being masculine is somehow considered straight-acting. This is so far from the truth. I know many effeminate straight guys, and many hyper-masculine gay men. I think the only thing that defines a man as homosexual, is that he wants to have sex or a relationship with another man. Then there are the men who just want the sex, but never the relationship. We call those guys toe-tapping senators from Idaho.

Telling someone who is gay that they have internalized homophobia because they don't like being around bitchy queens is ridiculous. It is not an innate characteristic of gay men to be effeminate. It seems to me to be more of a subcultural expectation. That somehow inside every gay man is a flamer just waiting to be set free. I have no such feelings, and most of the gay men I know don't either.

Then there is the transgendered issue. How the issue of gender identity became a part of the gay rights movement is beyond me. Sexual orientation is a simpler and more readily understood concept. Changing one's gender is far more jarring for most people. Both the one transitioning and those around them. I cannot imagine what the transgendered have to go through. They are treated the worst by society. Even by many gays. Maybe as the gay rights movement was being born and the drag queens were the first to fight back, that got mixed up with the transgendered issue (a totally different concept).

So what are we to make of all this internecine confusion? I think we are in the middle of a subcultural war here in America. Anyone who dares to speak against the gay orthodoxy is often criticized and marginalized. Even though we are fighting for tolerance, we seem intolerant of those who don't tow the party line. There is more than one way to be gay. If most gays don't understand why the media has made the negative gay stereotype the norm again, I have to join in their argument. Maybe that is because straights are only comfortable with what they have seen in the past, and can't grasp the fact that most gay men are just regular guys? Not bitchy, or mean or prissy.

I would like to see a more balanced portrayal of gay men in the gay and mainstream media. The gay joke shorthand always seems to involve some gay man getting in touch with his inner girl. Using the feminine pronoun and calling each other girlfriend. It was fun at first (twenty years ago), but now it seems that everyone believes that's all gay men can and want to be. This kind of thinking diminishes us all.

Click on the title box of this entry to find an interesting link about gays everywhere.

2 Teens Charged In Landry Case - Detroit Local News Story - WDIV Detroit

It seems that every day we hear more and more stories of senseless violence being perpetrated on innocent victims.  Some like to blame it on the economy, but this story can’t be about that.  It makes no sense.

I can see a random robbery or even a car-jacking during hard times.  But to murder someone, for no apparent reason, even when it goes against reason and logic, let alone morality, just makes no sense to me?

I guess I have to believe that drugs were involved, that no one in their right mind would kill someone for no apparent reason.  I don’t know if I believe this because I want to protect my own sanity, or because I really believe it is the truth.  I suppose I don’t want to live in a world where you can be snatched from a Wal-Mart parking lot in the middle of the day, in the suburbs no less.  I even give them my car and everything I can get from my ATM, and still they kill me.  It has to be substance abuse, or a drug deal gone bad.  Please let it be just that.  Sad as that is.  Please let it not be a generation of straight men who are learning to care little for anyone, except themselves.

The heterosexual male is probably one of the most dangerous creatures on our planet today.  If only something can be done about these people.  When they aren’t out killing their wives, girlfriends and exes, they are nabbing folks from parking lots in the middle of the day and killing them.  Or walking into a fitness center to shoot and kill women, just because they can’t get a date.

Maybe one day our society will be run by women and gay men and the only things we might have to fear in the ‘burbs are crimes of fashion and bad taste.

2 Teens Charged In Landry Case - Detroit Local News Story - WDIV Detroit

CNN Political Ticker: All politics, all the time Blog Archive - Miss California to star in TV ad from conservative group « - Blogs from CNN.com

Prejean, we just met a girl named Prejean.  And who do we have to thank for creating another right-wing saint… Perez Hilton.  The most embarrassing gay ambassador we have.

You know, if he had just taken the high road first, instead of last, it might not have been so bad.  But what the media has ended up with is basically, “bitchy queen attacks poor Christian college girl”.

Now I know we all have different opinions, and she is certainly entitled to hers.  You could tell she was nervous, talking about “in my country we believe in opposite marriage”.  And what country do the rest of us live in?  Shades of Sarah Palin and the Real America flap.  She was asked a pointed political question, as were most of the other contestants.  Trouble is, she knew there was no right answer that would please everyone.  I guess a Miss USA contestant can’t be just for world peace anymore.

My next question is, in what world are we living in where Perez Hilton is chosen as a judge for a Miss USA pageant?  The man is a gossip blogger, and usually a mean one at that.  I did hear one old guy being interviewed about the issue and he said, “what’s he doing judging a contest with a bunch of pretty girls anyway?”  I had to laugh at that too.  How desperate were they for judges???

I hope this one goes the way of Sarah Palin and the Republican majority in Congress.  Into the history books as quickly as possible.

 

CNN Political Ticker: All politics, all the time Blog Archive - Miss California to star in TV ad from conservative group « - Blogs from CNN.com

Same-Sex Marriage Legalized in Vermont | News | Advocate.com

I have to tell you, I really did not think this was going to happen.  But, it is the first time a state legislature has approved gay marriage, and by a super majority vote to boot.  It actually brings tears to my eyes when I think about it.

Of course, the right wing has already started in on Vermont.  Where formerly they complained endlessly about activist courts, now they are saying that gay marriage should not be approved by those courts or legislatures either.  It should only be approved by a vote of the people.  And the rules just keep on changing to fit their one track minds.

Like we need another vote of “the people” to know that we are unpopular.  That is why Madison designed our three branches of government, in order to protect unpopular causes or groups from the tyranny of the majority.  If you took a poll and asked most Americans where Iraq was on the map, most couldn’t even find it.  Ask them about the Constitution and they know even less.  Yea, I want these folks voting on my life.

Our job now is to keep the ball rolling, at least in New England.  We shall see what happens next.  Stay tuned…

Same-Sex Marriage Legalized in Vermont  | News | Advocate.com

Iowa high court strikes down same-sex marriage ban - CNN.com

Now why can’t the California Supreme Court use the same logic and say that their ban violates the equal protection clause of their constitution as well?  And this was a unanimous vote in Iowa.  A proudly open-minded mid-western state.  God I hope this sticks.

Iowa high court strikes down same-sex marriage ban - CNN.com

Vermont House OKs gay marriage | News Story on 365gay.com

I know they needed 100 votes to get a veto proof majority, and they only got 95.  But some members of the state house said they would vote in favor of same sex marriage if it came down to getting it past the governor’s veto.

And how did Vermont end up with a Republican governor when the dems have such a large majority in both state houses?  And if they had to have a Republican governor, you think being from Vermont he would at least be a moderate.

It should be very interesting to see how this turns out.

Vermont House OKs gay marriage | News Story on 365gay.com

On Making it to the Promised Land

Well folks, I finally made it to retirement.  As of last Thursday, I am a free man.  No more having to get up in the morning, having to be someplace every single day.  I am so happy to have that burden lifted off my shoulders.

Now I get to start living what I like to call my real life.  That would include facing the fact that my dog was just diagnosed with diabetes.  Feeding her and medicating her on a regular schedule will now be my new full time job.  I also have many, many projects to start inside my house, and when Spring actually arrives (it is currently snowing outside), I have even more projects to work on outside.

So, what joy is this you say?  Going from one plate full of responsibilities to another?  Well, just knowing that my responsibilities are only going to be about me and my household seems to make it all worthwhile.  I know that some day I will be able to travel and take it easy, but right now I just want to get my house in order and take it from there.

As I watch the local and national news I have to wonder about the world that I've retired into.  I know that nothing in life is guaranteed (not even another tomorrow), but I still want to give it all my best shot.  So here's hoping for a brighter tomorrow for all of us.

How Many Ways to be Gay???

I tried to follow the Ted Haggard story last week, but I got lost somewhere in the middle of Oprah. Ted says he is a heterosexual man with homosexual attachments. He states that he is not gay. It all made me think of some of the other famous cases of this type. Larry Craig for example. He also proclaimed loudly that he was not gay.

The gays are attacking saying "come out of the closet", the straights are saying he needs to seek help and forgiveness. Me, I find myself somewhere in the middle, dazed and confused.

Kinsey and his Scale tell us that most of us fall somewhere in between totally straight and totally gay. That sexuality is fluid and can change over time. I have to say that that sounds closest to the truth of anything I have heard. I do believe that some men can be physically attracted to other men, but find it impossible to even consider a romantic attachment. The attraction is strictly physical, they see it as their dirty little secret, rather like wanting to be spanked. Not something that defines them outside of the bedroom.

As to how these men ended up this way, there are many roads they may have followed. The most common road seems to be when they are brought up in a very strict religious household. As they become adults they do not see through all they have been taught, but rather buy into it with great alacrity. What better way to hide than to join the enemy camp. This is how we get our Larry Craigs and Ted Haggards. Fear can be a powerful tool for development. Even on Generation X and Y, it still seems to be working that way. How incredibly sad.

Imagine having your heart pull you one way, and your sex drive pull you another. How sad for you, and for the family you create. More often than not, the wife is the husband's fiercest defender. She too becomes victim to this battle between how he sees himself, and who he really is.

For men of the baby boom generation, I think it is too late to try and save them from themselves. They have spent 50 or 60 years seeing themselves as a flawed heterosexual, rather than as a gay or bisexual man. Trying to redefine yourself at that age requires great strength of character, strength that most men don't possess. Especially not after they have built a life around this duality.

This looks like one of those issues that will never resolve itself. We can only hope that this type of behavior will diminish as the generations pass, and society becomes more enlightened. I want to believe in a tomorrow where kids can grow up to be themselves, so long as what they are does not harm anyone (Jeffery Dahmer needed to be a little less himself). Here's hoping for fewer Teds and Larrys in our future.

We're On Our Way

I am writing this from very early in the first Obama administration. All hopes that he can get us out of all the messes we are in are still high. His wish to rid ourselves of the partisan rancor we have lived with since Reagan is still a possibility. That is, unless you listen to the right-wing radio commentators. They would surely go out of business if we all started to move to the middle and didn't want to hear their extreme views any more.

I know there will always be ideologues, and that is a good thing. They help us to change and to grow. That is until their new ideas become old ones, and they still have not been accepted. Trouble is, they never seem to know when that is. Living in their own little bubble doesn't give them any kind of perspective at all. Like Bush and Cheney leaving office and telling us that every thing they did was fine (especially Cheney). I can't wait to see what history has to say about them. Already they are saying that Cheney was pulling all the strings in the first term. It wasn't until Cheney's henchmen went to visit AG Ashcroft in the hospital that Bush found out what was going on behind his back.

Enough of the past. We must now look to the future, to the promise of another day. We can end the wars in the middle-east. We can find a middle ground with North Korea. We may even be able to find a way to trade fairly with China. Obama is right, in that he can not do this alone. He will need all of us, all of our support, to get through these tough times. And he does have a plan, which is more than I can say for Bush/Cheney.

So, as this new administration begins the difficult tasks ahead, let's keep them all in our hearts and minds, and in our prayers. Yes we can...