The Gay Dichotomy

For many years now there has been a largely unspoken division among gay men. Many gay men are not comfortable around especially effeminate men, and don't often understand how the transgendered fit into our movement. I have struggled with these issues myself for a long time and I can't say I have come up with any concrete solutions.

Every time I see a Carson Kressley or a Perez Hilton on television, I just want to cringe. They seem to personify the worst gay stereotype there is. Bitchy, queeny, mean and after anything in pants, especially a straight man. Every time I see an ad for any of Rupaul's drag shows, I also cringe. I don't understand why these type of men are so dominant in the mainstream and even the gay media. It's as if all gay men want to be women, or as close as they can get.

I'm not saying anyone at anytime should be harassed or marginalized for being different. I just don't understand why the bitchiness always has to be there. I think that is the thing that turns many gay and straight men off the most. I have many friends who are gentle or effeminate, but very kind at heart. They are often the kind of people you want to surround yourself with. Good and kindhearted people. I don't understand why anyone would ever be bothered or feel threatened by them.

Underlying this whole discussion is the idea that to be gay one is naturally effeminate. And that being masculine is somehow considered straight-acting. This is so far from the truth. I know many effeminate straight guys, and many hyper-masculine gay men. I think the only thing that defines a man as homosexual, is that he wants to have sex or a relationship with another man. Then there are the men who just want the sex, but never the relationship. We call those guys toe-tapping senators from Idaho.

Telling someone who is gay that they have internalized homophobia because they don't like being around bitchy queens is ridiculous. It is not an innate characteristic of gay men to be effeminate. It seems to me to be more of a subcultural expectation. That somehow inside every gay man is a flamer just waiting to be set free. I have no such feelings, and most of the gay men I know don't either.

Then there is the transgendered issue. How the issue of gender identity became a part of the gay rights movement is beyond me. Sexual orientation is a simpler and more readily understood concept. Changing one's gender is far more jarring for most people. Both the one transitioning and those around them. I cannot imagine what the transgendered have to go through. They are treated the worst by society. Even by many gays. Maybe as the gay rights movement was being born and the drag queens were the first to fight back, that got mixed up with the transgendered issue (a totally different concept).

So what are we to make of all this internecine confusion? I think we are in the middle of a subcultural war here in America. Anyone who dares to speak against the gay orthodoxy is often criticized and marginalized. Even though we are fighting for tolerance, we seem intolerant of those who don't tow the party line. There is more than one way to be gay. If most gays don't understand why the media has made the negative gay stereotype the norm again, I have to join in their argument. Maybe that is because straights are only comfortable with what they have seen in the past, and can't grasp the fact that most gay men are just regular guys? Not bitchy, or mean or prissy.

I would like to see a more balanced portrayal of gay men in the gay and mainstream media. The gay joke shorthand always seems to involve some gay man getting in touch with his inner girl. Using the feminine pronoun and calling each other girlfriend. It was fun at first (twenty years ago), but now it seems that everyone believes that's all gay men can and want to be. This kind of thinking diminishes us all.

Click on the title box of this entry to find an interesting link about gays everywhere.